Funny Quotes

What has 90 balls and screws little old ladies?……….. Bingo

I have watched C.S.I., NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds, and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.

Here’s some advice: Go to Home Depot, get yourself some nails, wood and a hammer, then build yourself a bridge and GET OVER IT!

Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life.

Orange face, stuffed bra, hooker make-up… Well aren’t you gorgeous. :)

My dream job would be driving the KARMA BUS!

Going to Walmart and getting 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.

Marriage is cheap… divorce is expensive… freedom… is priceless!

“( o )( o ) – Oh what a nice pair of frog eyes! What were you thinking of?

Wonders why is it when people ask you, What three things would you bring with you on a deserted island? No one ever replies, A BOAT.

Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition!

Facebook: The only place I can write on walls, poke people, own a pot farm, put a hit out on a friend, & talk about myself all day & no one bats an eyelash!

Please talk to my face, my breasts can’t hear you…

Just like a diamond the more I’m cut, sliced, and hurt the more I shine.

In a nudest colony, where do men put their wallets? I’m just sayin’.

Facebook is a polite way of being nosy…

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It’s been around for years: they call it cash.

I love how people think they are hot shit on a silver platter, but they are nothing but a cold turd on a paper plate!

What goes in your mouth long, hard, sticky, and pink and comes out soft, squishy, white, and slobbery? Bubble gum. :)

Of course women don’t work as hard as men, THEY GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!

Wonder why it’s called a walkie talkie, yet a vacuum isn’t called a pushy sucky?

I just realized men are like goldfish, they look at you when you’re talking but don’t listen to a damn word you’re saying.

Men are like disposable lighters… when the one you have stops lighting your fire, there are a million more waiting to do it.

I’ve always wanted to put a one way sign on a dead end road, then sit and watch what people do.

Wonders if anyone else has noticed that Facebook is the only place it is socially acceptable to write on walls.

Thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard…

Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes outta their mouth is shit.

Life is all bout ass… you’re either kissing it, behaving like it, covering it, working it off, or trying to get a piece of it.

Did you know that the majority of oil is found in Texas, but all the dip sticks are in Washington?

When I die I don’t want a normal tombstone. I want a parking meter that says “Time Expired” and a sign that says “vacationing, be back soon.”

Seems to be unknowingly playing a game of Hide N Seek with my motivation this morning… and losing badly!

Want someone to stop texting you? Send them a text saying: SERVICE ERROR 305: Message delivery failed. Further messages will be charged to your account.

Instead of putting pictures of criminals in the post office, why don’t they put them on stamps so the mailman could look for them while they deliver the mail?

Don’t text me & say “I’m bored”, it’s not my job to entertain you.